Conflict Resolution: Preparation is Half the Battle

By John Steiner

Are you comfortable dealing with conflict? Most of us can handle things on a bright sunny day when everyone around us is cooperating, but is every day like that in the workplace? As long as people work together we will probably face conflict situations. The key is not necessarily to avoid conflict but rather to manage it productively when it occurs.

Conflict is most effectively dealt with in five specific steps:

1. Identify the conflict
If two people's behaviors are countering each other, they are in conflict. We have to be able to recognize when we are working at cross-purposes. Let's say a husband and wife have different rules about where to put the car keys. Sooner or later they need to resolve the issue. In a case like this, it is helpful to remember that we are in the realm of preferences as opposed to absolutes. There may not be an absolute right or wrong place to put the keys, but they had better settle on an answer they can both live with. In the words of Dave Mason, "There ain't no right way, There ain't no wrong way, There's only you and me and We just disagree!"

Keep in mind that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. Conflict enables us to address issues that would otherwise go unresolved. If you talk to any psychologist, he or she will tell you that the least healthy families in the world are families who never have a fight. You know there are unresolved issues there but because people fear of conflict, those issues fester and congeal into deep resentments.

2. Determine whether you have the power to solve the problem
In a typical corporate environment, management makes the rules. Sooner or later, most angry customers ask for the manager; the person who they perceive has the power to solve the problem.

Of course disputes can come up between coworkers as well. Generally, coworkers are empowered to solve their own problems within guidelines set by management. When I worked in retail, we had conflicts all the time over our scheduled work hours. Many times people would try to find someone to cover for them on Sundays, for example. Two coworkers might work out an arrangement between them but according to management, one option is off the table: Sooner or later, someone's coming in on Sunday!

If you helped to create a situation, then you may have the power to address problems with it. It so happens that one day Henry Ford got into an argument with one of his sons. Exasperated, the boy finally threw his hands in the air and exclaimed, "You don't get it, dad. You're not in step with the modern age." "Young man," said Olde Henry, "I invented the modern age."

3. Confront the person with whom you have the conflict
Often we work up a lot of stress and anxiety once we realize that we disagree with someone. Remember that when you are in conflict with someone else, they usually recognize the situation as well. Let's say a co-worker has been spreading rumors about you, for instance. Most adults realize that this is unacceptable behavior. When you address the issue, it should not come as a shock to your co-worker because they are already aware of their behavior and its ramifications. Just knowing this can diffuse a lot of stress on your part.

Sometimes we worry about confronting a close friend or relative for fear of hurting their feelings. The best step to take in this case is to let them know about your anxiety: "I have to speak to you about a problem. I am a little nervous because I don't want to hurt your feelings..."

4. Negotiate the best solution for everyone
The goal of a good-faith negotiation is to arrive at a solution that is workable for everyone. Unfortunately, most people have a different agenda in mind when they start negotiating-they want to prove themselves right. According to motivational speaker Joe Caruso, human beings have two needs in life: to survive and to be right! Instead of simply wondering how you can come out ahead in a negotiation, you might try asking, "How can everybody win?" You are a lot more likely to find a receptive audience.

Michael Faraday invented the electric engine. In search of funding, he showed it to Prime Minister Gladstone who was not very impressed with the tangled ball of wire. "What good is that contraption?" Gladstone asked. "Someday," Faraday replied, "You can tax it!"

5. Follow up
Of course we need to do more than identify a conflict, or even come to an agreement with another person. We must also be sure we are still in agreement as time goes by. You probably know this if you have ever asked your son or daughter to clean their room. In fact, it has been said, "People don't do what is expected, they do what is inspected!" Simply put, we need to follow up. We need to agree in our deeds as well as in our words.

The Romans said, "If you want peace, prepare for war." When we are prepared with the right perspective and some specific strategies, we find that conflict is nothing to fear. Our goal is a workplace that is equitable for everyone.

Who can argue with that?

John Steiner is a corporate trainer and executive coach based in Los Angeles. He has helped many business people improve their efficiency and effectiveness; in some cases as much as 40 percent. He provides free initial consultations at 323.969.4614 and will be a featured speaker at the 2005 Annual Glovia User Group Conference.